16 April, 2010
It's interesting how when you have all these doubts in your mind, answers seem to come out of nowhere. The last couple of days I was in "fear" mode, something that I seem to get into every now and then. After my fun holiday, I came back and realized that my film's shoot is indeed beginning in a very short time. So a range of questions flitted through my mind "Do I know what I am doing?" "Will I be able to pull this off?" "What if this turns out to be one shitty film?" "Are people gonna laugh at me?" "Will it be waste of resources - time, money and effort?" "Why on earth do I have to take such projects up when I have the absolutely sane alternative of just sitting back and relax like others?" etc. etc. In other words, I felt that I was being nothing but a moron in wanting to make a film. Like, "what am I thinking?!" kinda feel.
A couple of friends and my hubby did put in words of encouragement which cheered me up a lot and did bring back the confidence in me over the last couple of days, but today I feel really really good because I feel that the universe has indeed spoken to me and wants me to go ahead with the film.
You see, the closest person to a spiritual guru that I have is Mata Amritanandamayi. She is a spiritual leader from Kerala whom I have met quite a number of times before. She is in Singapore currently and today I went to visit her. I believe there were about 20,000 others also paying her a visit at the same time.
When she began her discourse, the first thing she said was "The biggest problem with people is 'fear'. Everyone is afraid." My ears, which were already pretty perked up, perked up even further. I felt that she was talking for my own individual benefit. And whatever she said after that was like the answer to all my questions. I will not go into all the details of the discourse here but I can tell you that I feel a lot more at peace now. She even narrated a story of which the moral was that you should not simply start something, but should see it to completion no matter what happens on the way. Yes, they are all simple messages but were highly relevant to my mental state at that point in time.
It is indeed like the Universe has spoken. It has asked me to stop being a sissy and get my act together. And I shall do exactly that. This film needs to be made and shall be made. Ishallah. Tomorrow the rehearsals start again and on May 9th we shall start the shoot.
850 more to go.