Days 873 - 876: What Can I Say?!

10 April - 13 April, 2012

Yup, exactly....what can I possibly say?!

Been having the crappiest of all times. I am at my wits end sitting at home, hardly stepping out, struggling through the few hours that I am in the office, feeling nauseous forever, throwing up stuff with so much intensity that things sometimes go out through the nose as if the mouth wasn't effective enough (gross, I know.....but that's the truth), getting absolutely unwanted and useless advice, repeating how I feel to everyone who asks....when there is absolutely nothing they can do about that piece of information, being unable to do anything productive other than some office work - no scripting, not even blogging, not getting any exercise, not being able to sleep even 6 hours straight at night without waking up at least 3 times in between, having hormones flying all over...etc. etc. etc.

In other words, I have not felt this hopeless and useless in a really long time. This is a far cry from the super productive, always active, energized me.

Now, before anyone gives wisdom about how all this simply transient and how I need to be calm and happy at this crucial time of my life and other such obvious statements, let me assure you that I am very well aware of what the ideal situation is and how I should be handling everything in that ideal situation. But there is difference between what you feel and what you know and crappy is what I feel now. So.

A good friend, one of the few people who seem to always make me feel better, recently told me when we caught up after quite a long time, that she didn't realize things were this bad because it is not very evident from the blog that I am so miserable. She is right....I have not been too transparent about the ugly bits here and probably that's what's been bugging me as well. I don't know what I must be writing because I struggle to focus only on the glossy stuff. So I decided to come clean today.

Now that I have gotten that burden off my chest, let us look at the glossy stuff. There were a few, even in these messy days. Very tiny things, but they help.

1) Sisterhood - there are all those totally annoying people who tell you exactly what you do not want to hear. For e.g, here is a recurring gem "Oh, you are having nausea and vomiting.... I never had anything like that during my pregnancy!" Seriously?! How does that help even in the remotest possible way?! Surely, one needs to have high levels of self control to stop oneself from slapping such morons. But that's just one group. Then there are the others who are such awesome ladies that you feel like hugging and crying on their shoulder because they feel like the sisters you never had! These are the angels who say,"Oh you poor thing...I know exactly how you feel. I had the same situation during my pregnancy and it was the most awful thing!" See? Creates instant sisterhood! Whenever someone says that, I love them immediately and I feel better because I am not in this alone. That's all the support you need!

2) Food - good thing is that inspite of the nausea etc., I still appreciate food. I eat in small amounts but I still eat and enjoy my food, which is a something I am very thankful for right now. So I am thoroughly enjoying my mom's cooking and also the small treats I give myself like my favorite Black Forest cake and my newly found favorite Cookies & Cream ice cream!

3) Movies - I have watched a ton of movies over the last few days. And I seriously mean a ton! I am unable to do any other activity , so watching TV and especially films is my most common source of entertainment. I guess as a small time film maker, that's always a good thing.

4) Presentations - in spite of the crap health, I had two good presentations at work which were well appreciated. Small silver lining in an otherwise dark cloud.

That's about it. That's all that I can think of.

But tomorrow is Vishu. The Kerala new year. So maybe it will be of new beginnings. I have decided to be adventurous and go to the temple in the morning. Let's see how that goes. There's no harm in hoping for a better tomorrow and days following that! Fingers crossed.

124 more to go.