Day 569: Muddled!

I believe I actually like being muddled up in my head at times. You know, when there are a thousand thoughts whirring inside that tiny little brain, going from confusion to clarity to utter confusion all within a matter of seconds, thinking intensely about the past, the future and very little about the present, thinking about obviously unanswerable questions such as "Where is all this going to?!", "What on earth am I doing?!" and best of all, "What do I really want?".

So yes, I had been muddled up for the past few days. By choice, I tend to believe. Because I could very well have used up that time for doing some work, but instead I chose to just sit and think. After some quality thinking, I came up with this - OK so I like to write and make plays and films and paint and dance and travel and look at small beautiful things about life everyday for 1000 days and all that. Great. But what is the culminating desire of my life. That single biggest thing that I want or that I would like to be defined by?

Since my brain couldn't produce any reasonable answer, I did what anybody in such a situation would do. I asked other people. Do they have a culminating desire and if yes, what would that be?

Frankly, I was expecting everyone to be as muddled up as I am and to not have a clear answer. I was SO wrong. People actually know what they want! So I got answers such as "I want to leave a mark as a successful businessman", "I want to put my small town as a cultural hub on the world map", "I want to leave the legacy of an established production house", "I want to be a recognized writer", etc. etc. etc.

While this is super awesome for the people who came up with these, it left me feeling more muddled than ever. "How come they have a vision and I don't?!", my brain screamed.

More muddling could only mean one thing - more conversation! Either take the matter up fresh with more people, or have more of it with the same people I have spoken with, to understand better. And I did both.

So it was just that. Talk. Talk. Talk.

AND with the help of all those wonderful friends of mine who agreed to humour me and spend a considerable amount of time talking to me, I must tell you that I am very much less muddled. In fact, I think I am much wiser.

There are different ways in which people prefer to lead their lives - which are perfectly suitable to them in their own ways. But of course, we all know that. But what I observed was that they largely fall into three categories:

a) Having a clear cut long term vision - I think this would be quite good to have because you don't have to question yourself every now and then about what on earth are you trying to do. But obviously, not everyone has this. The good news? - That is perfectly OK! There are other options as below.

b) Having short term high energy challenges but no long term vision - I would fall into this category. What this basically means is that some people like to have a string of short term adventures that keep them on the edge and they like to hop from one to another, making the most of each. They prefer to do several small things that excite them but these may not necessarily end up in anything significant in totality. Good news? - This too is completely OK! As my friend beautifully put it "Your life is like a kaleidoscope and you're filling it with every shape and color of experience that you can possibly find."

c) Having a set of principles as the end in itself vs. short/long term goal/vision - This was very fascinating for me! We all have principles that we live by but this was the first time I realized that for some people, having these principles is an end in itself. So as one of my friends said, her life is successful if she keeps at two of her principles - "I will do what makes me genuinely happy" and "I will be good to others". So if she is having an awful time at work, she will think "Is worrying about this good for me?". Since it is a clear "no", she will stop worrying and do something that makes her feel better - which could be anything from having ice cream to throwing a party. She feels that this way, she has started to worry less about things like promotion timings, pay rise etc. To her, that in itself makes her life worthwhile! How nice!

Oh, and I must also mention that there was one very clear theme throughout - "Live life on your own terms". Something which I feel is easier said than done. How many times have we caught ourselves saying "But what will people think?!" (people here could be anyone from parents to spouse to friends to colleagues to neighbours to the general public on Facebook and elsewhere).

So after all those conversations which I immensely enjoyed, I have been left with a smile. Am not sure what the end result would be but like I said before, I think I do like getting muddled up once in a while - because the conversations and revelations post that are totally worth it!

431 more to go.